It has been exactly 18 years since my father passed. My father was the warm presence at home, always available to share, comfort, guide and motivate. He was my best friend, who I took for granted, and assumed would always be around when I needed him. All this made it so much more difficult when he suddenly left us on October 1, 2001.
Time has moved on, subsequent generations have arrived, the old has given way to the new. With the passage of time, emotional biases subside and you tend to look at a person through a more objective lens. As I look back now, my father guided me quite explicitly about many different things. But there are things he did not talk about, that played just as important a role in shaping my outlook. Here are three things my father did NOT teach me:
a) Be afraid of taking risks: We are from a traditional Tamil Brahmin household, and everyone in my extended family were government servants, bank officials and the like. The prevailing wisdom was to get a good education, find a secure job and settle down. My father was the first person in our entire family to start his own venture. Regardless of concern from family and friends, he partnered with a Marwari businessman, and established a manufacturing unit. Outside of that, he dabbled in a then nascent Indian stock exchange. Seen in the context of those times, and the largely conservative community we came from, these were bold moves. He was an intelligent, qualified person, and by no means reckless. However, he trusted his judgement and skillset, and had the courage of conviction to move forward with his aspirations. The fact that my mother fully supported and stood by his views and actions, is a fact of no small consideration, but that is a topic of a completely separate discussion. As a father, he never taught me to be afraid of taking measured risks. In fact, he believed that the risks of not acting were greater. He never told me to not do something because no one else has done it. He taught me caution and preparedness, but did not teach fear of the unknown. My own business ventures in recent times, have been unconventional and against established norms. Success or failure in these ventures is another matter, but I owe my ability to take risks to my father.
b) Be judgmental : My father grew up in Mumbai, and his exposure at school, college and work was quite cosmopolitan. Mumbai happens to be a place where abilities and enterprise matter more than who you are or where you came from. If one made a mistake, the energy of the city forces you to dust yourself and move on quickly. My father imbibed these qualities, and his outlook towards people was positive and matter of fact. Never have I heard him voice anything critical because of one’s caste, economic or social background. Although his social circle had a reasonable number of Tamil Iyers (mainly because of the common affinity in cuisine), the circle was largely liberal, and well exposed to a multi-cultural environment. He never taught me to hold any inherent biases against people. To the contrary, I learnt through his actions, that people should be valued based on their abilities, their intellect and character. In my own life in the US, I have found it very difficult to fit into the mold of a Tamil Association, a Marathi association and the like. I never understood why I needed to pass the filter of linguistic or religious affinity to make a friend. My father never taught me to judge people based on these parameters. To me, a friend is one that cares and shares, has an open outlook, and a sense of humor.
c) Take life too seriously: A defining feature of my father’s personality was his sense of humor. Friends, family and business associates reveled in his jokes and evening banter. He could argue at length with friends about different topics, and slip in jokes which disarmed even the most passionate opponents. This feature of his personality extended beyond just jokes. When anyone came to him stressed or nervous about something, he had the ability to break down the situation to bare bones and allay any fears that may have caused the stress. He also did not believe in confronting people unnecessarily. My father never taught me to hold a grudge. He never taught me to stress or be overly critical of mistakes made. He believed in letting bygones be bygones and just move on. He valued people more than issues, and was willing to flex in order to maintain a peaceful environment. Thanks to him, I have learnt not to be a victim of people’s perceptions of myself, and not to be a victim of ego battles. I learnt that life, as in my father’s case, can be short. So I learnt to respect others, value relationships, live and let live.
And for all that my father did not teach me, I think I am better off.